MARRIAGE: THE
AGENDA
I encountered
a female friend, that I had not seen for several months, at the end of a church service, I attended recently. Her first
question to me was: "have you gotten married again?", as she examined my left hand. I replied that I'm not in the proper
mindset for that type of relationship nor am I meeting women that I envision as potential wives!
As we were talking,
another woman, sporting a huge hat, walked up and asked my friend about a meeting that was starting shortly. The
Hat Lady gazed wantonly at me behind huge glasses while speaking to my friend. It was obvious to me that the Hat
Lady wanted an introduction. Instead of standing up and extending a hand, I waited to see if my friend would introduce
us. She did not. I could speculate for a thousand words as to why women choose not to engage in socially
appropriate behaviors, like introducing their friends to their eager acquaintances but I'll defer. That's another
blog. It didn't matter in this particular instance anyway because the Hat Lady had no back! She might
have been the sweetest woman on the planet but her bad hat and absence of booty were obstacles to esctasy that would be
insurmountable for a dude like me. If it aint big and round at minimum it's gotta be thik! The Hat
Lady smiled at me in a way that said: 'I'm ready and willing handsome'. There was a pregnant pause. The Hat
Lady got the memo and walked away.
I noticed that my
friend was sporting what looked like an engagement ring, so I asked-knowing that she had been dealing with her man
for over a decade-when she was getting married? She immediately went into a diatribe about self realization
and made vague references to her conduct in previous relationships. I listened patiently. She finally
told me that her man was coming around but needed a little more time to make her his wife!
My friend, like
me is Sagittarius. We tend to be very blunt when talking to our friends and on occasion we say what we feel to strangers.
I was a little surprised at her question and immediately wondered why she cared about my status! I was mindful of
where I was sitting, so I kept it pc and did not probe into the reasons her man had kept her in a hoding
pattern for so long. I had heard some things about her and her man, so I decided to be satisfied with
what I thought I already knew.
I have had
other women-who are coincidentally Saggies-inform me of their desire to be married but my friend, the Church Lady was the
first woman in a long time that was interested in what was going on in my life! The inquiry made me want to whisk her
away to beautiful downtown Toledo and jump the broom in front of City Hall but she's already got love in the layaway
and won't likely be asking for a refund!
When I left the
church, I pondered the conversation with the Church Lady. I know a lot of women of a certain age that want to be married.
I also read a lot of comments on social networks about the subject of marriage and how black women in particular are thinking regarding
the issue. On the way home, I reflected on some of the single women in my life and what they say to me about being married
and the viewpoints that they don't always know they are revealing.
I typically don't
comment on my current life but since this piece is germane to my blog on The Casualty Of Divorce, I am compelled to proceed.
Voila!
It seems to me
that women reach a certain point in their development and wake up one morning deciding that it's time to be married!
The idea of being married may occur 2-3 times in the lives of women who have married and divorced, depending on
how adventurous they are.
Most divorced
women that I know are constantly on the lookout for Mister Right. Once they've resolved the
trauma associated with the previous marriage they get right back into the game. Most of them will admit, knowingly or
unknowingly, during the initial phase of your relationship, what their long term plans entail. Almost all of them express
a desire to get married again but they fail to realize that they lack the enthusiasm that most men need to see before
taking the plunge.
As a man, when
I hear the "Iwannagetmarriedagain! mantra it occurs to me that the idea of marriage has greater appeal to a
woman than the actual mechanics of the venture.
When women that
I am intimately involved with tells me that they want to be married, I immediately begin focusing on their interactions
with me. It matters more to me what they actually do as opposed to what they say. The last woman that actually
took-what I considered to be-good care of me was living with her baby daddy which limited my access to her. I was
forced to give her up when bigolebutt Dracula came to live with me.
I am at the point
in my development that causes me to understand that it is the woman, not the man that decides when it's time for the two of
you to jump the broom, so when the m word falls out of her mouth, it's best to pay attention. That awareness can
become a double edge sword as the wifey standards are applied to that particular woman. I do not apply that
rigorous standard to the majority of the relationships that I find myself in. I am not emotionally inclined to be seeking
a committed relationship but I know enough about life to expect the unexpected and enough of a boyscout to be prepared.
I don't have a rigid criteria about a life mate. I'm largely concerned with where her priorities lie. When
sizing up a potential mate, I no longer include having 'good sex' as a criteria. I'm more concerned with a woman's ability
to climax and recover emotionally. She also needs to be orally inclined! She has to be able to
give head with ease, be willing to take instruction regarding said fellatio and be receptive to a man that loves to eat
pussy!
A committed relationship requires that a man be willing to compromise
when it comes to what a woman wants, so at the point that I'm ready to make that move, I must relinquish my "do what I want,
get dressed, now go home" mindset because mi casa will become her casa!
The Long And Winding Road
I think I'm a long ways away from having a monogamous relationship.
Most of the women that I meet want to be married in their head but are not emotionally ready to deal with a man on a day by
day basis. The idea of marriage has become 'lip service'. Women talk about marriage as a group that they
have hyped it up into an art from. The art of pleasing a mate unfortunately has gotten waylaid in the
modern world. While I appreciate a woman for being independent and achieving her goals, I also have old skool notions
about what I expect from "my" woman based on what occurred in my family home between my father and mother. My mother's
life revolved around me, my brothers and my father. My father was fourth seed but he never missed out on anything.
The women I encounter today, treat men in their lives as an afterthought. At some point during the day, after
attending to their job, their grownasschildren (and in some cases their grownasschildren AND their grandchildren) and the
rest of their family, they get around to the man. FUCK THAT! Many women might deny this or accuse J. Paul of being
"too sensitive". I say, maybe I am being sensitive but I have that right. I spent 10 years being an afterthought
to Dracula UNTIL I left her neglectful ass! At that point, I became the focal point of her rage and disdain for
men! I spent 30 months prior to steppin pleading with her to be a "better wife" by being at home more; by picking up
her clothes, cleaning up behind herself; by not giving her money to the her grownasschildren that had jobs or needed better jobs!
I asked her to go to counseling with me. She refused for over 2 years promising me that she would "do better".
I waited and waited for her to do better. I finally came to the realization that she was not going to change.
I found out later that she had told her sisters that I would "always be there for her". In her mind, there was
no need for her to "do better" even though it was what I wanted!
My experience with Dracula caused me to pay closer attention to women.
For a long time, I wanted to believe that if a man gave himself to a woman unconditionally she would recognize his
selflessness, relax, and respond in kind. It followed that nurturing would allow old wounds to heal.
I never factored the damage of emotional baggage into my love equation. I have since discovered that old wounds
don't heal completely. In some instances, that emotional scar tissue prevents anything or anyone from penetrating those
fragile psyches. With enough makeup the uninitiated never knows about the trauma that his object of affection has suffered.
My conversation with the Church Lady got me to thinking about love and relationships
again. From a wholistic point of view it's a better path to take than wonton self gratification, I guess.
